Maintaining Composure When You Feel Under Attack

Maintaining Composure

Recently, I found myself in the middle of a difficult confrontation.

Fortunately, it happened in writing.

I say “fortunately” because when something upsetting comes at me in an email, I have an advantage I don’t always have face-to-face:

I don’t have to respond immediately.

I can read it. Feel my reaction. Walk away. Gather more information.

I almost always talk it through with Paul or someone I trust.

Then I can come back when I’m thinking more clearly.

That pause matters. A LOT.

Because when I initially read the message, I could feel my body reacting before my rational mind had even figured out what I wanted to say. I was steaming mad!

I felt defensive. I wanted to correct things I believed were inaccurate.

I wanted to explain myself. And yes, part of me wanted to fire right back and pick that person apart.

Sound familiar? These type of things don't normally happen to me in my line of work. And I surround myself with people who I adore. But recently I took on a volunteer position that exposes me to a bit more confrontation.

The timing is almost comical because in a couple of weeks I’ll be teaching a new class called Maintaining Composure in the Face of Hostility.

Apparently, life decided I needed the practicum first. (Insert laughing emoji).

The content of the course I'll be training was developed by Transformative Leadership Strategies. This is the organization I work with when as a contractor when I deliver training for UConn leaders and other non-profits.

One of the things I love about TLS programs is how intentionally they integrate wellness and self-care into leadership topics.

Because maintaining composure isn’t simply about having good communication skills.

It starts in the body.

What's happening inside us?

Our autonomic nervous system helps regulate many of the things our bodies do automatically.

There are 2 parts to it. This first is the sympathetic nervous system, which helps mobilize us when we perceive danger or threat.

Think:

Fight / Flight / Freeze

Our heart rate increases, muscles tense, breathing changes, and adrenaline is released to become more alert.

I think of it as putting your foot on the gas.

This system is incredibly useful when we're actually in danger.

The problem is that our nervous system doesn't only react to physical threats.

A hostile email can do it.

An angry customer can do it.

A difficult coworker can do it.

Being criticized, embarrassed, challenged, or misunderstood can do it.

Suddenly our body is preparing for battle when what we actually need to do is answer an email.

The second part is the parasympathetic nervous system helps bring us back toward restoration and calm.

This looks like rest, digest, connect, and feel safe again.

Think of that as gently putting your foot on the brake.

And here's the leadership lesson I'm practicing myself:

I can't always control what activates me.
But I can learn to recognize when I've been activated and choose what happens next.

That space between stimulus and response is where composure lives.

For me, this recent situation required exactly that. Instead of responding from my first emotional reaction, I slowed down.

I looked at the facts. I tried to separate what had actually happened from the story my emotions were telling me about what had, in fact, happened.

I reminded myself of the outcome I actually wanted.

And I asked myself:

Do I want to discharge my frustration—or do I want to be effective?

Those are not always the same thing. And discharging my frustration would not build trust in any way with others on the team. Even though I know that this person may never like me no matter what I do.

I've also learned that being composed doesn't mean I don't feel angry.

It doesn't mean tolerating disrespect.

It doesn't mean avoiding a difficult conversation.

And it certainly doesn't mean becoming passive.

Composure means staying connected to yourself long enough to choose your response.

Sometimes that might mean taking a few slow breaths.

Sometimes it means taking a walk.

Sometimes it means saying, “I need a little time before I respond to that.”

Sometimes it means sleeping on an email rather than sending the response you've already typed.

And sometimes it means recognizing that beneath our anger may be fear, hurt, embarrassment, disappointment, or simply the feeling that we have not been heard.

I've spent many years teaching leadership, communication, personality, and emotional intelligence.

But life continues to remind me of something I tell my students:

We often need to teach what we most need to learn.

I'm not teaching composure because nothing ever rattles me.

I'm teaching it because it is a super important skill to have in most jobs! And I'm still practicing.

I'm pretty sure that's true for all of us.

Composure isn't a personality trait that some lucky people were born with. I wish.

It's a skill. It needs to be practiced.

Maybe it's even a muscle.

And apparently, life decided I needed another workout.

So the next time someone pushes one of your buttons, before responding, try asking yourself:

What is happening in my body right now?

What are the facts?

What outcome do I really want?

And perhaps most importantly:

What response will help me become the person—and the leader—I want to be?

All my best,

Maureen

P.S. ❤️ I hope you're having a good summer!